What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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