Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
