You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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