I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Randomize
