My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Randomize
