We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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