1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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