I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Randomize
