If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Randomize
