Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
