Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
