I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
i've created a new STD.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
