I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls
is that a poem?!
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
