In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
