Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
