I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
