I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
