I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
