I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
