you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
do nipples grow back?
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
