Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
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