You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
