I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
