I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
