Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Randomize
