the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
