She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
