there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
