It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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