He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
