Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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