You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
You left your underwear on the fireplace
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Randomize
