:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
