I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
jump out the window naked night went bad
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