i barfeds in our rink
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
