Only a mothe r could love this liver
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
