quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
