i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
