found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
