Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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