she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
