apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
