Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
