i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
