if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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