Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
