I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
i now understand why vodka
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
