He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
