Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
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