Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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